HEART : Let It Go

Should I or shouldn't I ?

I cant get this negative thought off my head. I think what afiqah told me was right. This is karma for me.

"If you have negative thought and whatever shit in your mind about him, u can't face it anymore might as well end it." A the love guru

But is it wrong if I protect myself from hurting. Look at me now. This is what happen to me for letting my guard down.

"If it's so complicated and hurts you too much then that ain't love my friend." - J the love guru

I guess my feelings all this while was right, something gonna happen and he gonna leave me. I know he said he won't leave me. I believe him. But now I doubt him.

"At least you know what's coming next so it wont hit you that hard" - J the love guru

"Work it out if you still want it. End it if you still have like negative thoughts about him like he's cheating on you and whatever shit." - A the love guru

But one thing for sure, this relationship gonna kill me in an instant if it end. I do love him. I do.

3 months is way too long. I can't take 3 months.

You want 3 months ?

I give you 3 months, if you want this relationship to end, I'll take it but I will never be the one who ask for it.

Bacause I don't want to be the one hurting you. Its fine if im hurt. Im leaving soon. I'll recover from my pain hopefully but I don't want you to hurt. I don't want to be the reason you're hurt.

Not anymore. I've hurt you too much already. Not anymore.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : 3 months

I was wondering if taking a break a good idea. Turn out it was a horribly wrong idea. I hate it. Finding myself regularly checking whatsapp to see when he last online and asking myself who he was texting. Its horrible. Knowing that there's not much for me to do since he himself want time,

I was so desperate I end up looking online on what are the sign that he's cheating on me. He did 80% of the things stated there,

I started asking myself, did he really cheat on me ? I really can't handle it. Its only been 2 days and im dying already.

And we're on a break for 3 months. What will happen to us in 3 months time ? He's the one  who always against break time and now he agree with it. Isn't that a sign ?

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Unfair

You're so unfair.

You're so mean.

Why do you have to be so mean with me?

I love you.

And it kill me everytime you do this to me.

You ignore me

As if im a living doll

Without emotions

..................

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Truth

Parents kill most dreams than anyone else,

Even they love their kids with all their life.

Parents also kill most hopes in their kids life,
Without them realizing it.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Disappointment

That pain in the chest,

You stop breathing,

You eyes goes watery and you hold your breath, 

Trying not to cry again,

That dissapointment,

Haunt you,

When you sleep,

When you're awake,

Giving up is the best option the your opinion,
Trying not to disappoint anyone anymore,

That you end up dissapointing yourself more and more,

And you give up everything you fight for.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

DREAM : 22 Dec 2013

My heart was pumping. Its time. Finally meeting his family for the first time. I walked into a big space filled with grass. The grass was so green and the scenery was breathtaking. I was so amazed by it. Its definitely not in malaysia. Or just a place somewhere in my dream.

At the back of the field, there a small country house. He's waiting for me infront of his house. With bright smile carved on his face. He walked towards me and take my hand into his.

He led me to his house. I love the house. It was lovely. How I wish I can have a house like that. It was so calm and peaceful there. As I walked, I saw an old abandoned house beside his house. Similar to his house, there's a big abandoned big space filled with grass. But, its long grass. Too scary for someone to stay there. But I loved the house. It could be perfect if I can stay there. Its near to his house too. 

"Anyone stay there ?" I asked.

"No. Why?"

I smile.

His parents and siblings was waiting for me. I smiled. I bowed down and grab their hands. With full of respect I kiss their hands.

They led me to another area of the small house. I heard he said something to his dad.

"Isn't she amazing ?"

"I'll judge if she is or not." His dad said.

My heart skip a beat.

*memory lost*

He took me out to play at his front porch where the big garden is. 

It was a wonderful day. I remembered my face was full of laughter and I was in love with that moment. 

*wake up*

Dream : 23 Dec 2013

I was at home with mom, him and granma. Then mama said she wanted to go out to send my granma and she asked us take care of the house while she's gone and she's not gonna take a long time.

She went out.

Me and him was cleaning the house bit there and a bit here and I told him I wanted to get a shower. He followed me into my room.

I put the stuff I brought from downstairs on the bed. The light was dim and the atmosphere was very romantic. I grab him by his neck. I lean closer towards him. I can feel his breath to my face. My lips was approximately 1 inch from him. He pulled my right leg up to his tight and suddenly my mom open my door room. I was shocked and panic.

"We just finished cleaning around 2 minutes ago" I said.

He stayed silent. She stared at me as if she would eat me.

"Come down now!"

I was panicking like hell. I was so afraid but he hold me by my shoulder and nodded.

I forced a smile and I went downstairs.  My heart was pumping like its going to burst anytime soon.

My mom looked at me. With a stare.

I tried to keep calm.

"We just went up. Not even 3 minutes in the room. We was downstairs all this while cleaning. I swear to god."

As soon as she opened her mouth,  I was stunted.

She was mumbling about how her car broke down, about we didn't turn off the tv and stuff.

My eyes was wide open.

"Ma, you're not mad ?" I asked with a shaky voice but at the same time I jumped and hugged her.

"What? Why would I?" She seems confuse.

"Nothing."

I walked away with my head mindblown. What was all that ? Im 200% confirm that she saw we're about to kiss.

What was that I wonder. Did she not care. No ! Can't be. I know my mom.

I was so confuse.

*wake up*

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Emotionally Unstable

Im so all over the place right now. It all start with a fight.  I know its mostly my fault but to apologize I just dont know how. When the other person say sorry I dont know how to stop the anger and it keep going and going.

I've never been like this before. Usually im the one who care too much. I guess the quotes is right. 

" When a female is used to getting hurt,  she wont know how it feels when a man start to appreciates her, so she ends up pushing him away. "

He's maybe not the man characteristics that I want but Im pretty sure he's the best man I've ever had. He have his temper but I know he tried his best to control it and not to burst put to me.

Ive been crying since 9pm. And its 5am now. It start when he said

" Our relationship ended when you let me walk away."

If only you know how painful is it for me to see you walk away. And only if you know hpw painful is it for me to not calling you.

And when you tried to talk to me again, i barked at you. Saying i dont care and pretend to be strong infront of you. Pretend like even your shadow wouldn't hurt me. Im always the one who get hurt and when I do, its like a reflec action of me guarding my feelings from getting hurt after I saw you walk away. I always feel insecure. Im scared if one day you'll just walk away from me like you did just now.

Since you already said it, I never be this sure before that you gonna leave me but I know now that you can leave me anytime from now.

I can't stop laughing. Maybe all the tears that I've been holding back for so long finally burst out.

Im so unstable right now. I feel so anxious,  sad, dissapointed, miserable, hate, pain are mix in my heart.

At one point im angry, one point im crying.

And when you asked me,

" why are you crying? "

I always said

" im not ! My nose blocked. "

And when you worried about me,
1
I said

" I'm fine ! "

At this point I need support, I need someone to calm me down. I need someone to make me stop crying.

Where are you ? Where are you when I'm very very miserable right now. When I'm really unstable right now. Where are you ?

You're sleeping. You said

"My sleep is more important than you."

I get the big picture now. You never care for me as much as you say you care for me.

Actually you never actually care for me.

Im so broken. So shattered. To be honest I don't think I can love you as much as I love you before.

Im so shattered.

Lisa Viour
Lots of Love
19 Dec 2013

HEART : What Will Happen To Us ?

Im saying, 

If one day I go far far away for here, what will happen to us ? 

Im saying, 

If one day I can't meet you everyday like now, what will happen to us ?

Im saying, 

If one day you can't handle long distance relationship, what will happen to us ?

Im saying, 

If we can only meet each other once in three years, what will happen to us 

Im saying, 

If one day we can't keep each other's promise, what will happen to us ?

......................................................................

You tell me 

Lots Of Love 

Lisa Viour