HEART : Let It Go

Should I or shouldn't I ?

I cant get this negative thought off my head. I think what afiqah told me was right. This is karma for me.

"If you have negative thought and whatever shit in your mind about him, u can't face it anymore might as well end it." A the love guru

But is it wrong if I protect myself from hurting. Look at me now. This is what happen to me for letting my guard down.

"If it's so complicated and hurts you too much then that ain't love my friend." - J the love guru

I guess my feelings all this while was right, something gonna happen and he gonna leave me. I know he said he won't leave me. I believe him. But now I doubt him.

"At least you know what's coming next so it wont hit you that hard" - J the love guru

"Work it out if you still want it. End it if you still have like negative thoughts about him like he's cheating on you and whatever shit." - A the love guru

But one thing for sure, this relationship gonna kill me in an instant if it end. I do love him. I do.

3 months is way too long. I can't take 3 months.

You want 3 months ?

I give you 3 months, if you want this relationship to end, I'll take it but I will never be the one who ask for it.

Bacause I don't want to be the one hurting you. Its fine if im hurt. Im leaving soon. I'll recover from my pain hopefully but I don't want you to hurt. I don't want to be the reason you're hurt.

Not anymore. I've hurt you too much already. Not anymore.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : 3 months

I was wondering if taking a break a good idea. Turn out it was a horribly wrong idea. I hate it. Finding myself regularly checking whatsapp to see when he last online and asking myself who he was texting. Its horrible. Knowing that there's not much for me to do since he himself want time,

I was so desperate I end up looking online on what are the sign that he's cheating on me. He did 80% of the things stated there,

I started asking myself, did he really cheat on me ? I really can't handle it. Its only been 2 days and im dying already.

And we're on a break for 3 months. What will happen to us in 3 months time ? He's the one  who always against break time and now he agree with it. Isn't that a sign ?

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Unfair

You're so unfair.

You're so mean.

Why do you have to be so mean with me?

I love you.

And it kill me everytime you do this to me.

You ignore me

As if im a living doll

Without emotions

..................

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Truth

Parents kill most dreams than anyone else,

Even they love their kids with all their life.

Parents also kill most hopes in their kids life,
Without them realizing it.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Disappointment

That pain in the chest,

You stop breathing,

You eyes goes watery and you hold your breath, 

Trying not to cry again,

That dissapointment,

Haunt you,

When you sleep,

When you're awake,

Giving up is the best option the your opinion,
Trying not to disappoint anyone anymore,

That you end up dissapointing yourself more and more,

And you give up everything you fight for.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

DREAM : 22 Dec 2013

My heart was pumping. Its time. Finally meeting his family for the first time. I walked into a big space filled with grass. The grass was so green and the scenery was breathtaking. I was so amazed by it. Its definitely not in malaysia. Or just a place somewhere in my dream.

At the back of the field, there a small country house. He's waiting for me infront of his house. With bright smile carved on his face. He walked towards me and take my hand into his.

He led me to his house. I love the house. It was lovely. How I wish I can have a house like that. It was so calm and peaceful there. As I walked, I saw an old abandoned house beside his house. Similar to his house, there's a big abandoned big space filled with grass. But, its long grass. Too scary for someone to stay there. But I loved the house. It could be perfect if I can stay there. Its near to his house too. 

"Anyone stay there ?" I asked.

"No. Why?"

I smile.

His parents and siblings was waiting for me. I smiled. I bowed down and grab their hands. With full of respect I kiss their hands.

They led me to another area of the small house. I heard he said something to his dad.

"Isn't she amazing ?"

"I'll judge if she is or not." His dad said.

My heart skip a beat.

*memory lost*

He took me out to play at his front porch where the big garden is. 

It was a wonderful day. I remembered my face was full of laughter and I was in love with that moment. 

*wake up*

Dream : 23 Dec 2013

I was at home with mom, him and granma. Then mama said she wanted to go out to send my granma and she asked us take care of the house while she's gone and she's not gonna take a long time.

She went out.

Me and him was cleaning the house bit there and a bit here and I told him I wanted to get a shower. He followed me into my room.

I put the stuff I brought from downstairs on the bed. The light was dim and the atmosphere was very romantic. I grab him by his neck. I lean closer towards him. I can feel his breath to my face. My lips was approximately 1 inch from him. He pulled my right leg up to his tight and suddenly my mom open my door room. I was shocked and panic.

"We just finished cleaning around 2 minutes ago" I said.

He stayed silent. She stared at me as if she would eat me.

"Come down now!"

I was panicking like hell. I was so afraid but he hold me by my shoulder and nodded.

I forced a smile and I went downstairs.  My heart was pumping like its going to burst anytime soon.

My mom looked at me. With a stare.

I tried to keep calm.

"We just went up. Not even 3 minutes in the room. We was downstairs all this while cleaning. I swear to god."

As soon as she opened her mouth,  I was stunted.

She was mumbling about how her car broke down, about we didn't turn off the tv and stuff.

My eyes was wide open.

"Ma, you're not mad ?" I asked with a shaky voice but at the same time I jumped and hugged her.

"What? Why would I?" She seems confuse.

"Nothing."

I walked away with my head mindblown. What was all that ? Im 200% confirm that she saw we're about to kiss.

What was that I wonder. Did she not care. No ! Can't be. I know my mom.

I was so confuse.

*wake up*

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : Emotionally Unstable

Im so all over the place right now. It all start with a fight.  I know its mostly my fault but to apologize I just dont know how. When the other person say sorry I dont know how to stop the anger and it keep going and going.

I've never been like this before. Usually im the one who care too much. I guess the quotes is right. 

" When a female is used to getting hurt,  she wont know how it feels when a man start to appreciates her, so she ends up pushing him away. "

He's maybe not the man characteristics that I want but Im pretty sure he's the best man I've ever had. He have his temper but I know he tried his best to control it and not to burst put to me.

Ive been crying since 9pm. And its 5am now. It start when he said

" Our relationship ended when you let me walk away."

If only you know how painful is it for me to see you walk away. And only if you know hpw painful is it for me to not calling you.

And when you tried to talk to me again, i barked at you. Saying i dont care and pretend to be strong infront of you. Pretend like even your shadow wouldn't hurt me. Im always the one who get hurt and when I do, its like a reflec action of me guarding my feelings from getting hurt after I saw you walk away. I always feel insecure. Im scared if one day you'll just walk away from me like you did just now.

Since you already said it, I never be this sure before that you gonna leave me but I know now that you can leave me anytime from now.

I can't stop laughing. Maybe all the tears that I've been holding back for so long finally burst out.

Im so unstable right now. I feel so anxious,  sad, dissapointed, miserable, hate, pain are mix in my heart.

At one point im angry, one point im crying.

And when you asked me,

" why are you crying? "

I always said

" im not ! My nose blocked. "

And when you worried about me,
1
I said

" I'm fine ! "

At this point I need support, I need someone to calm me down. I need someone to make me stop crying.

Where are you ? Where are you when I'm very very miserable right now. When I'm really unstable right now. Where are you ?

You're sleeping. You said

"My sleep is more important than you."

I get the big picture now. You never care for me as much as you say you care for me.

Actually you never actually care for me.

Im so broken. So shattered. To be honest I don't think I can love you as much as I love you before.

Im so shattered.

Lisa Viour
Lots of Love
19 Dec 2013

HEART : What Will Happen To Us ?

Im saying, 

If one day I go far far away for here, what will happen to us ? 

Im saying, 

If one day I can't meet you everyday like now, what will happen to us ?

Im saying, 

If one day you can't handle long distance relationship, what will happen to us ?

Im saying, 

If we can only meet each other once in three years, what will happen to us 

Im saying, 

If one day we can't keep each other's promise, what will happen to us ?

......................................................................

You tell me 

Lots Of Love 

Lisa Viour

BOOSTER : Teardrops

When we say teardops, first thing in mind will be that particular person is sad, in misery

But

Have you guys ever think that maybe she or he is crying because they're happy or because they feel better ?

Teardrops are always related to sadness, but how many people see tears as something good ? Something that we should feel blessed of ?

I am the very few people who actually feel bless every single time i cry. Doesn't matter if I still haven't solve the problems after I cry. Here's the thing about tears, Once you feel bad, sad, miserable you cry. But once you stop, you feel better. You feel like you have the strength again. Have you guys heard this

"Cry, let it go. Don't hold it inside you. Let it out "

Is that proven ? The answer is yes. 

let me ask you one question here.. If you feel like you're falling apart and you have no one to turn too. You feel like the world just crush on you and you have no one to tell to, What will you do ? 

And when you feel like you're breaking apart, and you tell yourself 

" NO ! Im not going to cry. Im strong and I will face this. "

How many times can you repeat that without you feeling the heartache ? How many times can you say this without trying to hold a single drop of tears ? 

Eventually you'll cry. You will cry your heart out, especially when you're alone. 

After you cry ? Does you feel more alive, even if you can't take a single breath, I can assure you, you can feel the weights on your shoulder are taken off, you feel lighter and you feel like there's light and energy that can guide you to live again. To be stronger than before. To be more motivated than before. 

Don't view something just the way it is. Try to view it the other way round and you'll see the other side of that something. Even if its a bad thing in millions people opinion, even if its breaking you apart, see the good side of that something. Eventually you'll find it. 

Life is a cycle, one day you're on top and the next day you're at the bottom, One day you're smiling, the next day you're crying. You can't be happy all the time or else you won't know how to do live when you're down. And you can't be sad all the time because you might not know how to feel happy anymore. You might not know what happiness anymore. 

Lisa Viour

Lots Of Love 

27th September 2013 

HEART : How are you today is how you was before

I can't describe what I feel right now. My best friend is slowly drifting apart from me. I won't get a best friend like her. I promise. The fact that i'm in a relationship really affect the people around me. I wish I can turn time.

If i knew this will happen, I'll think about my decision a trillion time. But i believe i wont change my decision.

I really don't know if its me, but as far as im concern, Ive tried my best to satisfy everybody. Ive tried to divide my time equally and its really hard.

Im the one who end up alone, without my bestfriend. I admit i don't show people my feelings. I admit I always run and separate myself from others. But its not because I'm scared. I don't need people sympathy. I learn to deal with my own problems. And thats me, i grew up learning how to be responsible for what i do and deal with my problems alone.

This feel so dejavu. Its like back to highschool. I had enough in highschool already. And i still remember how painful it was in highschool and how glad i am when i finish my highschool earlier than my batch. 

The mask i put on myself is going to tear apart really soon. I put on a smile all the time and it wear me out. Im not  pretending, but i don't know how to feel. I cant feel..

Yes I've become emotionless. I wonder how i can hold myself in front of people and how i break down so bad when I'm  alone.  

Maybe thats how i grew up. I learn to handle things alone because I've been all alone for all this while.  

                                                 Lisa Viour

Written with .......

Lots Of Love

Self Esteem Boost Part 2 : The Magic of Passion

" Practice makes perfect "

I have heard this quotes a lot. But does this true ? Does that work on everybody ? Do you do that because you have to do that or because you want to ? If you want to, what make you want to do it ?

" I've done my best but i guess it just not worth it "

I remember saying this all the time everytime i didn't reach my mom's expectation. But is that true that i've done enough ?

I used to cry because i thought i can't do it anymore. I went back and cried to mama, 

"Mama, I can't do this, everyone else is so much better than me. I can't even doodles. "

My mom she didn't say anything, she just hugged me. I was giving up. For me, i've used up all my energy for this thing. I wanted to stop. Stop from all this pain. Then I realized something, Someone who quit is worst than a murderer. Once I quit, I forgot all the thing that make me choose it from the start. I will disappoint everyone who cheer me when me when I first start my class. I used to be so jealous to see my cousins who learn by books. 

Then I started to work harder than before, My human figure used to so terrible. Simply say I can only draw basic shapes like triangles and squares. Until I day, I realized some changes in me. Im starting to draw faces. Real faces. 

Mama told me last time that I can't draw human. And I told her, "Yes, I can' draw faces. "

Thinking back, i do design because I'm passionate about it. I've always know that I can't draw. Even from high school. I may not know how to draw, but passion drive to the correct path, passion drive me learn how to draw. And passion also drive me to become a designer. 

" Well, this sucks ! "

I said it all the time when Im under pressure, but do I really mean ? Yes hell I do. But does that make me want to quit ? Last time, yes. Now, you throw me a whole junks of random work, I'll figure it out. I won't give up on this. 

" When you're good at it, you'll love it ! "

Isn't that true ? Think about it :) We didn't like to do something because we didn't know how to do it. when you're in this situation. You're the one and the only one who can decide. Either you choose to learn, or you choose to abandoned it and go on with the only thing you know how to do. If you choose to abandon it, have you push yourself to the limits ? If you choose to learn, don't you learn something new, something outside of your comfort zone ? Sometimes, all we need is just a little push. 

" The most painful thing is learning "

Thats the learning process. It will be the most painful experience things you'll ever experience and every single time you learn, every single time also you will hurt. But don't you think its worth it ? The only different is every learning process is the duration of the pain. But all of the learning experience have 1 thing in common. 

" They all have the same ending if you manage you pull it off. "

Lisa Viour 

Lots of Love 

5th September 2013

Self Esteem Boost Part 1

Overthinking is like floating balloons. Sometimes, the string is tie to the ground sometimes it just float around. 

Sometimes I think while i'm still tied to reality. I know how to connect what im thinking with reality and think rationally. But sometimes I just think and think and think and end up hurting myself. Not physically but emotionally, mentally. Yes, i believe non solid things do hurt human. Its the same concept when i believe in every teary eyes, there will be a smile await. So why hurt ourselves ? Is it because its fun ? Is it for our satisfaction ? Or is it because we are just bored ? 

I keep this in mind.. always , 

And trust me it works everytime. 

Last but not least, whenever you feel down.. Just cry, because cry will always make you feel better afterwards. Afterall, you're still the one who make the call. 

" POSITIVE ENERGY ATTRACT POSITIVE EMOTION. "

I know not everybody like to cry but think again

...................................................

*grind*

Lisa Viour

Lots Of Love 

3 September 2013

Sweet Revenge

So i've been busy + lazy lately.. But im feeling like updating my blog again.. A lot have happen lately and I promise you this gonna be a very long post.

Few weeks back, we started texting again. But we stopped for a while.. But few days back you texted me and ask if i want to go to sunway ? it was wednesday and its a super long day for me i got class from 8-12, then 1 to 3 then 3-5.. and then that i got class till 6. The night before i didnt sleep at all. So i guess you can imagine how tired i am that day.. The whole day.

you waited for 5 hours. well, not really wait because you were with someone else before. I was super emotional day for me that day. Seeing you again, give me goose bump. Btw, nothing much we do, just some talking then i waited for you to get your haircut. And trust me dude, you look good. :)

Then it was late so i asked you to send me back at the train station, and that moment i lost my phone. I just got that phone and trust me it was super scary that night. i couldn't call anyone and i knew you will get lost and seriously im sorry.. :(

Everything seems wrong that day.. :( But someone help cheer me up as the day goes. I have these 2 amazing people who help me cheer up every single day, when my day is down or up. And without me realizing it, they help me moved on. I did not know why we contact again. I was fine, i mean perfectly fine before.. No hassle, no headache and most important part, no heartache.

But i learn to accept reality and slowly learn to let go. You want proof ? I asked about your beautiful girlfriend and i also show you the way. Isn't that a good sign ? :p

Yes bro, I've learnt to let go and i think i should thank you for making me a stronger and tougher person. And teach me to face reality and most important, teach me what tears bring to life. Taught me how to embrace pain and what all those misery give me in the future.

I have my target now and you know what, you're not my focus point anymore and i can assure you that not even your silhouette can stop me from achieving my goal. Keep my word because the last time i say keep my word, it happen.. :)

I believe in misery come before smile. And even though i did not plan this, but this is my sweet revenge to you.. : >

Lisa Viour

Lots Of Love
Written with smile
31 Aug 2013