HEART : THE HESITATION

Someone I know told me about him reading my blog and I was blown away. I have left this peaceful but never a happy place of mine for quite sometimes now. I have never been so scared to come back to a place I once love like this but I did. I cried uncontrollably when I click my page as this is the place i thought i never want to come back.

This is the place I come to when I am sad and lonely. I cried to my sleep reading things I wrote. I have never really write anything happy here and trust me I am trying really bad to do so. But unfortunately the only things that is in my mind right now is just very sad, dark, depressing thought.

To be honest, I am not even sure if I should writing again. My fingers are shaking as I am typing this but I need to do this. I am not very happy now days and I am not sure why. I mask happy as it is more acceptable in my current situation.

I am just going to be very honest with myself, I am currently listening to 'secret love song' and I cant stop thinking about my past. How I was just the other girl in someone else's relationship. A lot have happen since then and I honestly don't know where to start.

I have traveled up the mountain, down into the ocean, walk to the unknown, meet so many different people to the point I don't know if I am the same person anymore. I am not sure it you're suppose to stay the same after all the things you've been through.

All I want to do is just have a happy life. I want to be a happy person. I want to be a genuine person. I want to be a better person. Way better than I was before. I'm very sure I'm only about to turn 20 but I do feel way older. My experiences have brought me up way too early than my ages and there is nothing else that I could do about it.

I want to give this place a new colour, new vibes, new perspective and most importantly, I want to start loving this place again.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : The Comeback

A sudden thought knock this dumb brain of mine to click the link at the bottom of my bio in my instagram account and that link really brought me to the lane of unstoppable flashback and sadness. Recognizing how pathetic I was in my whole journey of love.

But I realize something, I have never really update anything since my last heartbreak which killed me in a terrible way. 

Metaphorically. 

Dissapearing was a way for me to live again. It was a coward move I admit but reading back my journal I realize you can never really run away from the past. All I wanted to do was to be away as far as I could to from all the pain and throw away all the pain and hurtful thought and I did. 

There is another thing I realized, my writing have become so rusty. 

catch up soon?

Lots of Love, 

Lisa Viour

HEART : Dying inside

I never wish for me to fall for you, but as each day passes by I do realize my feelings do grow for you but the question is how deep is it?

I've become very sensitive to your words. The way you talk to me never offended me before but I do get offended now. I cry alone to my sleep when your words slice me like a sword without you knowing it. I try to express my feelings to you, i try to express how offended i felt but the words never come out of my mouth.

I bit my lip when i accidentally saw your text with your fiance. Look away when I saw you said you miss her when you never once say you miss me to me. I look away realizing i'm in no place to feel what i felt. But i try my very best to comfort you. Make you happy as hard as I could. Knowing you lied to me, hurt me. Yet I still go back to you.

I tried hanging out with our friends without you, but it never feel the same. With you, even no word come out of our mouth I still feel comfortable. I still feel happy.

I enjoy your company, I enjoy your comfort.

But as each day passes by, I do realize how distance you are from me. As my feelings grow for you, so does your distance with me. I no longer hear you call me love. You no longer protect me like you did last time.

I feel like the time is approaching. Maybe even faster than I expected. I want to confront you and ask. But I'm scared you will leave me on that exact moment.

I've opened up to you, and you makes me feel like I opened up to the wrong person.

Im so addicted to you, and I can't help it.

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

HEART : love vs comfort

Im in love with someone else's fiancee.

It's bad and it's wrong.

I am totally aware about it, but i can't do much about it.

Loving someone with an expire date. Fully aware of the upcoming expire date but unsure of when could kill you in an instance.

Giving all of me realizing I will be the one to be left out hurts on your big day. It hurts the entire time we're together but I am too addicted to you that I am willing to adapt to the pain you give me just to be around you. Sucking in everything when you talked about her and your big day preparation. Listening to how hard you work to prepare you big day, seeing you text her everyday even when we're together yet I still look forward to meeting you everyday, have dinner with you, occasionally we go and catch movie together. Putting myself in your fiancee's shoes subconsciously didn't do much help either. Pulling me deeper to the hole I dug myself. As the time approaching, the holes get deeper and darker yet I still can see the light when i'm around you.  Depending too much to your presence make me realized how lost can I be when you're not around.

How am I going to find my way when you're gone? How am I gonna survive when your big day come. But the most important question, how can I move on after your big day?

Lots of Love
Lisa Viour

DREAM : I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS ABOUT

I cycle to the place. I was with a bunch of my friends hanging out a a place I'm not sure where. At first it seem like a waterfall but towards the end it became clear to me that's it was at kgpa. We were talking about stuff that i dont remember while packing some food for charity works until i saw you walking towards me. You were wearing black button down and you didn't tuck your shirt in.

"Hello" you said as you approached us.

How are you? he continued

I turn around to you while still being besitted. Im good. I said and immediately turn back to the front. My friends were shock. They seem to know you pretty well.  Good,  I'm gonna complete a round of golf because i have meetings coming up soon.

Okay. I said.

I renege watching your back as u unpack your stuff from your bag i don't remember seeing when you came. Flashes of stuff came running to my head like, how's your rehab,  how have you been doing.

We understand. The other girl said.

I'm okay. It's just a lil awkward.

Maybe you should go and talk. Who knows it can blossom again.

To be with him again?  We will never gonna go back together.

Why?

He hated me.

Maybe he thinks you're just one unconfident girl who think you look far from neat.  She said as she walk towards you. They all sat around you while i stand behind one girl. The girl who sit beside you spray the girl irony of me with water and then me. I was soaked with water and you just laugh there.

Memory lost