HEART : Emotionally Unstable

Im so all over the place right now. It all start with a fight.  I know its mostly my fault but to apologize I just dont know how. When the other person say sorry I dont know how to stop the anger and it keep going and going.

I've never been like this before. Usually im the one who care too much. I guess the quotes is right. 

" When a female is used to getting hurt,  she wont know how it feels when a man start to appreciates her, so she ends up pushing him away. "

He's maybe not the man characteristics that I want but Im pretty sure he's the best man I've ever had. He have his temper but I know he tried his best to control it and not to burst put to me.

Ive been crying since 9pm. And its 5am now. It start when he said

" Our relationship ended when you let me walk away."

If only you know how painful is it for me to see you walk away. And only if you know hpw painful is it for me to not calling you.

And when you tried to talk to me again, i barked at you. Saying i dont care and pretend to be strong infront of you. Pretend like even your shadow wouldn't hurt me. Im always the one who get hurt and when I do, its like a reflec action of me guarding my feelings from getting hurt after I saw you walk away. I always feel insecure. Im scared if one day you'll just walk away from me like you did just now.

Since you already said it, I never be this sure before that you gonna leave me but I know now that you can leave me anytime from now.

I can't stop laughing. Maybe all the tears that I've been holding back for so long finally burst out.

Im so unstable right now. I feel so anxious,  sad, dissapointed, miserable, hate, pain are mix in my heart.

At one point im angry, one point im crying.

And when you asked me,

" why are you crying? "

I always said

" im not ! My nose blocked. "

And when you worried about me,
1
I said

" I'm fine ! "

At this point I need support, I need someone to calm me down. I need someone to make me stop crying.

Where are you ? Where are you when I'm very very miserable right now. When I'm really unstable right now. Where are you ?

You're sleeping. You said

"My sleep is more important than you."

I get the big picture now. You never care for me as much as you say you care for me.

Actually you never actually care for me.

Im so broken. So shattered. To be honest I don't think I can love you as much as I love you before.

Im so shattered.

Lisa Viour
Lots of Love
19 Dec 2013